10 Things I'd Rather Do Than to Shop on Black Friday

10 Things I’d Rather Do Than to Shop on Black Friday by Melanie Bates

November 20th, 2012

Insert a moist parasite into the depths of my bowels with a pair of tongs.
Shave my armpits with a lice infested cheese grater.
Alphabetically file all the names of the children in China. Twice.
Drink a warm mixture of acid, cat urine and Redbull.
Lose my right pinkie finger in an unfortunate “smelting accident.”
Scalp myself with a crude and rusty implement while singing Surrey with a Fringe on Top.
Eat a heaping bowl of toe jam with ladyfingers.
Squeegee all the windows of the Empire State building with the corner of a soiled napkin.
Dance to Weird Al Yankovic with real zombies during the apocalypse.
Swallow three lit tiki torches while wearing nothing but a sparse grass skirt.