When I got on Facebook today I was instantly irritated; half a page of newsfeed and I wanted to SCREEEEAM. Everyone’s status was all “Gratitude-Day 407”, posting pictures of kittens snuggling wolves and “We’re buried in 27 feet of snow. My summer roses are so happy”.  The sweetness and hope and inspiration were so thick the shell of my laptop started to coat in a white frost. I swiped a chunk from my screen for a taste test… fine, powdered sugar.

The whole world’s gone gooey-pink-cotton-candy and I’m all sour grapes. You don’t need to be on a social network to know what I’m talking about. Step into any garden center, spa or yoga class and you can find the same powdery stuff pumping from the vents. I call it the Enlightenment Effect and well, it seems to be extremely popular.

If you know me at all or have read anything I’ve ever written you’d know that anger is my least favorite color.  Ninety-nine percent of the time I’m a down to earth, happy-go-lucky type of gal. I’ve been spouting “Universal love” for some time now. I’ve got my vision board, my rockin’ spiritual groups, and a zip drive full of motivational quotes. I’ve typed “resonate” so often my R key is stuck. I mean, I’m usually the first in line for the rainbow colored cool-aid.

But Not Today

Today I’m moody, grumpy, and a bit angry (that’s girl code for “clear the freaking house!!”) I’m one, tightly wound, triple torqued package. The last thing I need today is “unicorn wishes” and “pixie dust blessings”.  Reading about the rest of the world’s positive vibe makes my mood feel completely invalidated. As if something is seriously wrong with me because my emotion has varied away from the norm.

No, I don’t need an anger management class. I’ve managed my anger so well over the last 41 years (discounting time for the terrible twos) I forget I have it.  I was raised with that mindset that “young ladies” don’t rant, we don’t rave and we only bitch behind closed doors. . . into our pillow. . . at precisely midnight. When we happen to get a little unsettled we journal, or knit, or clean out the cupboards. We take all that nasty energy and funnel it into something productive. I can spot a deeply pissed off woman by the state of her grout. We will do anything to avoid being tagged as THAT type of woman. You know who I’m referring to: the drama queen, the diva, that high-and-mighty-bitch.

What I need (along with a good portion of the female population) is to take an Embrace the Negativity class. I’d like to learn how to have an all out ranting-raving-bitchety-bitch-episode, because no one has ever taught me or showed me how that can appropriately be done without getting the police involved. I want someone to tell me to “Feel the anger! Let it ride. Let it spew, spew, spew!”  I want someone to cheer when I say, “Damn but I’m pissed.” I’d like to drive on over to The Anger Rally so I can fly my red flag without being charged with a PMS misdemeanor!

Honestly, I think all of us, women and men, have been encouraged to shut down our “negative” emotions to the point that we’ve come to believe that being human is a state of 24/7 glee. And you do not want to fall off the joy train or you get instantly tagged as “having issues”. I’m already helping my 11-year-old daughter who is struggling to express her own anger and frustration while my 9-year-old son tries to swallow down his sensitivity.

What I really need is to live in a society that appreciates the full spectrum of human emotion. I get sad. I get angry. I have fears. It’s a piece of my journey.  Sometimes feeling the hard stuff is exactly where I need to be.

The Check Valve 

I’ve got this crazy notion that anger is meant to be experienced. Depression, anxiety, anger, irritation, frustration, fear: we’ve be taught that these emotions are not only negative but must be tightly monitored and if they build to a level we can not control (naughty, naughty) we’re advised to take a pill.  If these emotions are so harmful wouldn’t they have faded over our evolution? Could it be that we need them; that they serve a higher purpose and squelching them brings on an even bigger mess?

I like to imagine our emotional system as a pipe full of flowing energy and it happens to have this beautifully installed internal check valve that springs shut when our life gets clogged up and starts to backflow. Let’s call it our Internal Opportunity System. What if anger is the warning light that our IOS has triggered and we’ve got to “go within and clear out”. What if a negative feeling is actually an OPPORTUNITY for us to check the deposits and molding gunk building up in our system? Instead of suppressing try exploring.

Welcome to Embracing Negativity 101:

1. Recognize it!  What is this emotion eating at you; give it a name. “Angry” is good but if you’d like to call it “Justified”, that’s fine too.

2. Claim it! Make sure it’s yours. Not your spouse’s or your girlfriend’s.  Women especially have a bad habit of wearing someone else’s emotion.

3. Scream!

4. Rant, rave, bitch!  To yourself or anyone who is willing to listen.  Note to self: As in “Let it out” NOT “take it out”. You’re not striving to become the next YouTube sensation.

5. Breathe! Lower your heart rate. Wipe the sweat from your brow.

6. Explore it! Now open the valve and take a good look. . . what are you DEEPLY afraid of?

7. Dive, dive, dive! What’s the worst, the absolute worst that can happen if this fear materializes?  Why do you care?

8. Dig at it! Would you survive if it happened? Would you be stronger? Would you climb back out and move on? Who’s gonna have your back while you do it?

9. Own it! This is you; the yucky and the mucky.

10. Release it! Now let it go. Watch it flow smoothly away until it has left your system and evaporated into the wild blue yonder.

You know, I think there are good reasons we need to feel and explore all our emotions. The real harm comes when we fail to acknowledge them, demean them, bury them away, or let them take over our life for weeks at a time. Imagine, if you hadn’t been born with this Internal Opportunity System, why you might have gone your entire life never knowing how truly, splendidly, human you are.

Now, how about some of those “unicorn wishes and “pixie dust blessings”?

Monica Wilcox